One of my tattoos in your memory

Its been 2 months since ive had a good moment to write you, im always thinking about you especially when someone mentions your name, i just cant stop talking about all the things you used to do and what you accomplished in your 19 months.Mommy is sadend over the sudden death of your buddy Caleb he lived 29 months and 1 week he is amazing just like you, you both are brothers (twins) its crazy how much you 2 are alike.Im going to miss his sounds he made on the phone when i talked to his mommy.

I still cant believe its been 7 months my heart aches to have you here everyday.I know oneday i will have you again and untill that day im left here with your precious memories.Mommy got another tattoo in your memory its some lyrics from a song called "precious child" its so true for you.Mommy also got a tattoo for yoour sister cherry blossoms!Daddy got the teddy bears on your urn on his rist too!I hope your proud of mommy and daddy cause we are so proud of you son.Sister misses you dearly this morning i found her in your crib callin out your name and asking you if you feel better now.She said she made your tummy feel better.She speaks of you everyday we keep your memory alive nolie! Daddys heart is broken too he longs to see again i cant get over how much you look like daddy its amazing. I love you to pieces sweet boy xoxoxox love mommy.
P.S sister starts pre school in september!!

2 years already!

Well today is your 2nd Birthday! You came into this world June 25 2009 at 2:29am...you defied every odd in your 19 months here on earth! Today was hard not celebrating with you but i know your always in my heart, daddy ,mommy and sister stil celebrated your life today, with family and friends.We had a BBQ,watched your video,listened to your songs,released balloons with 2 notes on them hoping someone will find them so we can raise more awareness about trisomy 18! and had cake it was a bittersweet day.I love everything about you, you have changed me for the better .I love you son. Forever.

You. Nolan.

Wow! i cant believe today is the 24th...today 2 years ago we were getting ready to meet you, this time 2 years ago mommy was starting labour in the hospital.Straped to monitors and doctors around talking about the plan.I enjoyed hearing your heartbeat and feeling your last kicks and wiggles before you would enter this world.Daddy and me were terrified of the unknown since you had Trisomy 18 we were told your chances of living were only 5-10% but had hope you would make it just open your eyes and see us even it were a moment.You did it all big boy, tomorrows your 2nd birthday,sadly we are celebrating it without you...but i know you are in my heart it will be a day to remember you with family and some friends, although im crying i am smiling, smiling because you gave us so much to smile about, mommy is just sad that i cant hold you, wipe your tears away,change your diaper,bathe you,play toys with you,walk with you ...everything we did together i miss.But i thank you everyday for the memories you gave us, you are amazing and have touched so many in your short journey , and still are teaching people! We love you baby boy, your sister always talks about you, and is very protective over your things like if we have kids over and they go into your room and play with your toys she gets upset and ays,"thats my nolies toy!" she loves and misses you so much.

23 months my boy

Well my Nolie Polie Olie you would be 23 months old today, last night mommy was crying holding onto you in your urn,with your blankie and sleeper in my arms as well.I just miss you so bad , please dont be mad at mommy for i am longing to hold you again. We talk about everyday wheather that be in the shower, in the car, outside, grocery store anywhere! pretty much everything we do reminds us of you little man because you did go everywhere! so those memories will be us everywhere we go.I feel sometimes i get this feeling a strong feeling like i can almost touch you when i close my eyes and think about you, your almost there in my arms.My dreams have been about you alot lately they are very real i can smell you, touch your hair,feed you, everything i should be doing for you i can in my dreams.I love those dreams i wish i never woke from them at times. I know sister is missing you badly we couldnt leave the house without the other day, she went to your crib and picked you out and said "we have to bring my nolie too" so we did! Daddy is also missing his boy alot, you are his twin it amazes me. Your 2nd birthday is next month June 25 im feeling scared but i know you will help through it, we are going to celebrate you but im going to miss you hard that day, you are just amazin little boy that made a huge impact on our lives.I love you for everything you did with your time with us, and forever im thankful for you. Love mommy,daddy, sister.xoxoxox

Your Strength

Well today was Mothers day, I missed you the same just like everyday day Nolie.Saturday was a special day for me, i was nominated along with 19 other Fabulous mommies for Fabulous Mother of The Year, knowing we were all fab to begin with so nothing changed even when the judges decided.Mommy had to answer a question it was tough for me, but i felt you there.It was really hard for me to get up and speak about what happend even though you were such a miracle, having to tell everyone you had passed away was heart wrenching.I wanted to just curl up into a ball and cry at that very moment.I thought i keep it all together aand tell what was on my paper, but i couldnt i was mixed in my emotions that the words couldnt fully come out, it was a blur when i sat down.I thought gosh i never even answered my questioned! i just cried and trembled in my voice telling about the things you did.I introdeced you to everyone! you were a star, everyone awed over beautiful face.I love my big man, i hope my public speaking gets easier over time right now its just all new and very emotional. I hope your proud of me baby boy. you are one strong boy, i wish i had just half the strength you had.Love you.

P.S. i Hope you LOVED the balloons we released for you today, sissy was excited to give you them.

Fabulous Mother Of the Year!

I am thrilled that our now i lay me down to sleep photogrpaher Trina Lewis nominated me for this opportunity...i was chosen with along with 19 other fabulous mothers out of all alberta! Vote here on facebook if you like, just like my picture and your vote counts! i speak saturday mothers day weekend, if i win i get a fabulous vacation away. thank you!!

https://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/photo.php?fbid=125652164178153&set=a.125652110844825.26518.113850778691625&type=1&theater

My DREAM!

Well it finally happend! Nolan mommy had the sweetest dream about you, i have waited 3 long months just to feel you in my dreams,just to spend a little time with you.It was so nice to see you well.I was carrying you around in the house and it was snack time so i set you in your highchair, you were so excited! I put a yogurt and spoon your tray and you gave me the look like, arent you going to feed me? I wanted to see if you could do it yourself, iwatched you pick the spoon up put it in the container of yougurt and feed yourself!! you made a huge mess, but it was a wonderful mess seeing the huge smile on your face.once you were done i picked you up and was holding you, i didnt want to put you down.I walked all day with you in my arms, everyone was asking how you came back, and i simply said,"the doctors made a mistake you werent really gone." You were soooo alive in my dream! i woke with a smile on my face! It was the best dream i had ever had. I love you, and i hope i have more dreams more often like this.It's nice having "our" time even if its dreaming.