The night before.

Its 5:44pm January 20th this night 1 year ago was scary, its was just nolan and I ,daddy was working.Nolan started crashing around this time something i will never forget, his oxygen just kept dropping so doctors and nurses rushed in to get him stable, i could barely see what was going on with all the tears i was trying to hold back.I walked to the only spot to him, his feet.I held one tight and told him to hang on just for alittle while just untill daddy got some cuddles.It so hard watching him not respond to anything,a doctor at one point turned around and said"what else do you want us to do?" i said "just help him!". After about 5 minutes of this finally Dr Mcgonigle walked in, just in time...Nolan perked up as soon as he took over! it was amazing how he responded to him.Dr.M jokingly said "he just wanted me to come visit him, he missed me!" and i agreed.

So once nolan got stable and was given a med to help calm him so he could rest, i broke down into dr,M's arms and asked him if nathan and i are making a good a choice to not intubate if he did get worse.He assured me that we did , that if nolan were to get progressively worse that intubating would make things worse in the end.I called nathan immediately to come up since i didnt know how the rest of the night would go.And i was scared to be alone.Daddy finally arrived shortly after 11:00pm he scooped nolie out of my arms and rocked him while they watched T.V one last time...we stayed up most of the night untill nolan settled and fell asleep on his own.

Over night nolan had no episodes! he did so well...continued tomorrow...

The Cord.

We are connected,
My child and I, by
An invisible cord
Not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't been seen
By any on Earth.

This cord does it's work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.

I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.

The strength of this cord
Is hard to describe.
It can't be destroyed
It can't be denied.

It's stronger than any cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.

And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.

It pulls at my heart
I am bruised...I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.

I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take it away!

Author Unknown

The memories of you...

I have a heart full of memories
That's all I have left of you
Each one treasured fondly
With all the things
We used to do.

I have a beautiful angel
In heaven high above
A beautiful beautiful angel
I was blessed to love.

School in Whitecourt!

Well sweet little man, mommy started school this week at Norquest! its now the weeekend! I am so thrilled to tell you i cant wait to become a nurse...its all because of you Nolie...We missed you so much this christmas i think i cried everyday wishing you there to celebrate and open gifts beside you big sister...it was hard.There was a huge empty spot in the morning :( but i felt your spirit so it made me go on and stay strong for our family.I cant beleive it will be 1 year in just a couple of weeks you had to go on and start your new journey up above...we will be sharing that day with family and just simply remembering all the times with you.We love you sweetie im still so proud of you. xoxoxoxox

"Remembering our Children"

Well sweet boy, yesterday was a very special day for us as we attended this annual event for families to have a chance to share their angels and their stories.It was emotional but it was great to have your book and pictures out to show them you! We met up nalahs mom,dad,sister and aunty before hand, it was good to see them again.We talked of you both and shared the funny things you guys did, we miss you both so very much.

At the service we were able to write your name on a star and when your name was called we went up and sister put your star on the tree, then mommy talked about you to everyone! I was so calm and had a sense of peace come over me when i spoke, it was great.I even read a poem.You were amazing nolan and still are, your life deserves to be shared with people, you are still teaching strangers and doctors because you deffied all odds! i love you so much, we will always miss you, but you will remain forever in our hearts sweety xoxoxoxox

Making you proud son.

Dear Nolan,I first want to say that i miss you so much, theres never aday where i dont think about you.Your smile,your laugh,and the sparkle in your eyes are missed each everyday.I love you dearly.Mommy has something very special and exciting to share with you! today i went to Norquest which a college mommy will be attending for Nursing! I had lots of exams to write today to see what classes they need to place me in, im just so glad to finaly start this im doing it for you and your big sister, im going to make you both proud!It's because of you that im pushing forward with this career ,you taught me so much in your 19 months of life and now i want to make a difference and help the sick or injured.If i do things right i will be a Registered Nurse in a few short years, i dont care how long it takes or how hard it is, i know that its all going to be worth it! Your so amazing Nolan i will forever hold you in my heart xoxxoxo love, Mommy.

One of my tattoos in your memory

Its been 2 months since ive had a good moment to write you, im always thinking about you especially when someone mentions your name, i just cant stop talking about all the things you used to do and what you accomplished in your 19 months.Mommy is sadend over the sudden death of your buddy Caleb he lived 29 months and 1 week he is amazing just like you, you both are brothers (twins) its crazy how much you 2 are alike.Im going to miss his sounds he made on the phone when i talked to his mommy.

I still cant believe its been 7 months my heart aches to have you here everyday.I know oneday i will have you again and untill that day im left here with your precious memories.Mommy got another tattoo in your memory its some lyrics from a song called "precious child" its so true for you.Mommy also got a tattoo for yoour sister cherry blossoms!Daddy got the teddy bears on your urn on his rist too!I hope your proud of mommy and daddy cause we are so proud of you son.Sister misses you dearly this morning i found her in your crib callin out your name and asking you if you feel better now.She said she made your tummy feel better.She speaks of you everyday we keep your memory alive nolie! Daddys heart is broken too he longs to see again i cant get over how much you look like daddy its amazing. I love you to pieces sweet boy xoxoxox love mommy.
P.S sister starts pre school in september!!